“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” ~Elizabeth Stone~
Truer words have never been written… Someone once told me that parenthood is learning to let go, time and again, no matter how much it breaks your heart... That it is a series of separations that go on throughout your lifetime… It starts with the actual birth of your child… That day is the first of many times that you let go of something that you hold so dear, your pregnancy… It’s a unique time in your life when you nurture and nourish and protect your baby while sharing your entire body with that person… Connected… While it is something that you look forward to finishing it is also something that you can never go back to… That is a bitter sweet notion… And it’s only the first of its kind… This is going to be much harder than I ever expected!!
“Babies are such a sweet and nice way to start people.” ~Don Herold~
This quote speaks to me on a few different levels… It is so true and so deep… Birth is the beginning of a precious new life… The possibilities are endless… It brings happiness and hope and makes you realize that there are bigger things in this world than the everyday humdrum life… For me the day you were born is the day I was “started”... As a new mother, as a more kind, compassionate person, and as someone I have always wanted to be... You are the reason for my transformation into an adult who sees the world through a different pair of eyes… Not that I didn’t love who I was before you were born... But the new me is someone who I can truly admire and feel proud of... Essentially, you coming into this world has given me the greatest gift of my life... A clear head, an open mind and a feeling of calm that I have never before experienced… Because of you I have been changed for the better...
“Everything grows rounder and wider and weirder, and I sit here in the middle of it all and wonder who in the world you will turn out to be.” ~Carrie Fisher~
When I was pregnant with you I could never stop the wheels from turning… I was so anxious to touch you and smell you and hear you that I nearly drove myself nuts! I knew you would be beautiful, smart and special but I had no idea to what degree until I laid eyes on you for the first time… In fact as I sit here and try to find words to describe that moment in my life I realize there aren’t any!! I was awestruck, dumbfounded and completely and totally in love… You grabbed my heart right out of my chest… You owned me, all 8lbs. 1oz and 20.5”of you… We had some visitors in the hospital, Uncle Bill, Aunt Sue, Sarah, Melissa, Katy, Aunt Stine and Aunt Kelly…Your father and I were in heaven… We didn’t want to put you down and passed you back and forth all day and all night… We pondered questions like; how could we be so lucky? What did we do to deserve this precious little angel? Is the nurse coming home with us? In the hospital they taught us to swaddle you so tight and we called you our little burrito… I will never forget the look on Dad’s face as he held you tight against him for the first time… It was an expression that after 5 years of being together I had never seen… He seemed so natural with you and when you cried all he had to do was pick you up and you stopped instantaneously… I think you knew that you would forever be safe in those arms… And he knew that he wanted to hold you close to him forever, or for as long as you would let him... It’s a strange feeling to look at such a tiny little creature that is only a few minutes old and already begin to look into the future to all the wonderful moments that lie ahead… To think about all the things we want to show you and teach you... It’s very overwhelming and absolutely magnificent all at the same time...
“A new baby is like the beginning of all things, wonder, hope, a dream of possibilities.” ~Eda J. LeShan~
When we got home from the hospital we introduced you to our bullmastiff dog Maci… She was deathly afraid of you and kept her distance… All in all we were ok with that… Maci was our first baby girl… We shared a special bond with that dog and I am sure she knew how nervous we were… She helped make the transition easier by being the amazing, laid back girl she always was… We would tell her how the baby (you) had to stay in the cage (bassinet) while she had free run of the house… I don’t know if we thought it made her feel better or if it just made us feel better… We lost our Maci girl in April 2011… We walked as a family to the vet’s office to peacefully put her to rest… Our hearts were broken; we miss her so much… But now she is with Mako, the love of her life… (Ill tell you all about Mako another time).
A few days later Mimi and Papa arrived to meet you… You are their first and only grandchild, so far, and they were so excited that toward the end of my pregnancy it was hard to even talk to them… Much like your Dad the expressions on their faces were priceless… In all my 33 years of having them as my parents I had never seen them light up like they did that day… They just couldn’t hold you and hug you and kiss you enough… The happiness they felt shown brightly on their faces… You are theirs too… Lucky, lucky little girl!
Our journey together began with a few minor obstacles…
I knew labor would be rough... Doesn’t everybody? I just figured that I was a tough girl and I could power through it with some good old fashioned hard work and perseverance… I just kept my eye on the prize at the end and put my game face on… Yea well you know what they say about when you start making plans right? Life happens and you can pretty much toss those well though out plans in the trash… My labor went really smoothly and wasn’t taking all that long to progress… Before long it was time to push… YES! FINALLY, I thought… Another 20 minutes or so and were going to have us a baby… You had other ideas… Three. Hours. Later… Count them, one, two, three… And your head didn’t move down a single millimeter!!! How could this be happening to me? On both sides of my family no woman has ever had to have a Cesarean Section… Why me? The doctor was trying to hold out and let me try all that I could… He could see I had very little left to give and then you pooped which made my amniotic fluid dangerous for you and so it was decided… C-section it would be… I felt completely defeated… I still do sometimes… I guess I always will a little… I said to the doctor, “Look at me Doc, I’ve got some child bearing hips here” and he told me in the nicest possible way that it doesn’t matter what I look like on the outside… That the inner opening of my pelvis was very narrow and your shoulders wouldn’t fit through… That if we kept trying you could have been born with a bruised face or a broken collar bone… Had I known all that I probably would have given up sooner… Now that I know you and cherish you so dearly I realize that it doesn’t matter how you came into the world… It only matters that you’re here now…
When your umbilical cord fell off and the Dr. cauterized your belly button, the procedure didn’t take… You were leaking urine out of your button for a week… We returned to the Dr. 3 or 4 times and they would cauterize it again and again but still it wasn’t working… We were referred to a surgeon because your Dr. thought you may need to have your belly button surgically closed… HOW CAN THIS BE??? The fear and anxiety that Dad and I felt was insurmountable… How could this tiny person need to go under the knife already in her short life? Why was this happening to us? It was so scary to think of… And every time we brought you to see someone else we almost died watching them poke and prod at you… I actually had to hide my face in the corner of the room while Dad held your tiny hand… Finally the surgeon tried one last time to cauterize it and IT WORKED!!! No surgery, no more Dr. appointments, no more worry… You were fine and this horrifying situation was over and we could put it behind us…
I had the utmost intention of breast feeding you for as long as I could possibly manage… I was determined! I saw lactation consultants and nurses to help get you to latch on, to no avail… Well that’s not entirely true, you would latch on with much help from numerous people only to let go within 2 minutes or so… Frustrating to say the least… There were so many strangers with their hands on my boobs that sometimes I felt like a cow getting milked at the local hands on dairy farm… I finally decided that since I was to go back to work in a measly 3 months, and didn’t want to waste anymore time stressing over it, that I would strictly pump and give you formula during the night hours…So that is what we did… Once we were home life sort of resembled a twilight zone episode… I had the task of trying to juggle taking care of a new baby and finding time to pump milk 4-5 times a day while Dad was at work… Sometimes I begged him to stay home with me… It wasn’t easy but we got into a niche and we were off and running… You were such a good baby! Everything about you was textbook… You slept for 4 hour stretches then woke up to eat, and then back to sleep for another 4 hours… Dare I say it was easy? That is until you decided that your days and nights should be switched up...
WORST. 10. DAYS. OF. OUR. LIVES!!!!!
You slept all day long, waking only to eat… Then 10pm would roll around and Bree wanted to hang out and play, all night long… The sun would come up and you would fall asleep and start the cycle all over again… The thing that made it so difficult was that I wasn’t able to sleep all day with you… I still had to pump every 2-3 hours to keep up my milk supply… By the 10th day I was ready to go check back into labor and delivery at the hospital… I was exhausted!! Then as quickly as it happened, it changed back… Once again I had my perfectly behaved angel girl… (side note: Mimi planned a visit to come help me because I was beside myself with exhaustion… the day she arrived was the day you decided to no longer torture me with sleep deprivation… hmmm, curious).
Soon after Mimi’s second visit, Christmas was approaching fast… We were excited for a few reasons… First, because it was your first Christmas, of course… Second and most importantly because you were to meet your Nana and Pop for the first time… They were nice enough to take the long road trip to New York from North Carolina to attend my baby shower in September, so they couldn’t be there for your birth… This was to be the first time they would ever lay eyes on you… They drove straight to our house as soon as they hit Long Island because their excitement was unbearable… They were already in love with you before they ever got to hold you close to them…Once they did, you melted their hearts… that was all it took... We went to Uncle Bill and Aunt Sue’s house on Christmas Day… You were being a little potsy (cranky) that day and had a bit of a meltdown… I think it was due to that fact that you had only been out of house a handful of times… And you had not been exposed to a house full of people before… Everything ended up just fine though, as long as Mommy was holding you…
Pretty soon it was time for me to return to work… That was the most difficult thing I ever had to do in my life… I wanted nothing more than to stay at home with my tiny girl forever… That wasn’t in the cards for us but you were to stay at home with your Dad until you turned one, at least… I was a little nervous to leave Dad… While he was so hands on and fantastic with you I questioned whether or not he could “do it like me”… Because after all I am the mother, nobody can take care of you like I can right? Wrong! Dad stepped up to the plate, he swung, and he hit a grand slam home run! He fell into his niche with you almost as quickly as I did… I’ve always known that he is a natural caregiver… I don’t know why I thought this would be any different, especially with you… But hey, it’s a mother’s job to worry right?
In February 2011 you and I went on our first trip to Florida to visit Mimi and Papa…You were so good on the plane, you slept the whole way there and the whole way home… My little traveling girl… I wore you in both airports and you peeked your little head out to watch the other people walking by… You’ve always been a people watcher and you still are… I am too so I think you got that from me… You loved the golf cart and would fall asleep whenever we went for a long ride on it… Papa drove us to the cow fields where you saw your first cows… You got to meet all your relatives on Mimi’s side and much like everyone else, they adored you… How you could not?
The months passed by… You grew like a weed… It felt like every time we looked at you, you had changed… A transformation that happened right before our eyes... I became an expert in the art of baby wearing (because that was the only way you would nap for more than 25 minutes at a time)… Every time before I strapped you on I would say, “I’m gonna wear you like a sweater!” Beside naps you were the perfect sleeper… You slept through the night at 2 months old… I don’t mean 5-6 hours of sleep... I'm talking 12 hours of straight sleep from 2 months old, on... THANK YOU GOD! There was a 3 month period of time when somehow you wound up in bed with me every night… While I loved snuggling with you, you’re a restless little sleeper and often times had your feet in my ribcage… Some days I went to work an absolute zombie… I had to get you back in your crib and fast… Dad and I tried everything else first, and then decided we had to let you cry it out… The actual decision to use that method hurt more than listening to you cry… In fact you didn’t even really cry, you whined for 25 minutes then played quietly in your crib until you fell asleep... Had I known it would be that easy I would have done it sooner… Every milestone that you met happened earlier than expected… You smiled early, rolled over early, sat up early, talked early, walked early… You were, and still are, advanced in the milestone department... You started teething and all your teeth popped through precisely when the books said they would, and not a moment later…
When you started solid foods at 4 months you loved it! It was hilarious to watch you open your mouth as wide as you could in anticipation of the next bite… You loved cereals, fruits, vegetables, basically everything… When it was time to introduce meats, you loved them too… It was a lot of fun... WAS a lot of fun! I wish I could say that you stayed the perfect little eater you started out as, but I can’t… These days you’re a super picky, finicky eater and if you don’t like something it gets launched off the highchair onto the floor or wall… Now THIS is something you get from your Dad… Oh the stories Nana could tell about how difficult he was at the dinner table… With you, when in doubt we give you cheeseburgers and French fries… Or cheddar goldfish snacks… Hey whatever fills the tummy is fine by me…
We had you baptized a little later than usual… June____... We weren’t in any rush and it worked out just fine for all of us… Mimi was there along with Aunt Sue (your Godmother… your Godfather, Uncle Bill, couldn’t make it), your cousins Melissa and Katy and Aunt Liz… We didn’t have a party or anything fancy because there were so few of us… We got a special cake and went out to lunch... All I cared about was that my baby was blessed by God… But I already knew that…
Summertime was a lot of fun… You have a small pool in the backyard that you loved splashing around in… You also loved not wearing so much clothes all the time… We call them “your naked’s” and you love it when we take them out… This is still true to this day, even though it’s winter now… We ask you if you want to take out your naked’s and you come running, shaking your head and saying, “Yes, yes, yes”… Hahaha, we laugh every time still... I doubt we’ll ever stop laughing about that… According to Nana, Dad loved having his naked’s out too... And judging by the hundreds of pictures Mimi and Papa took of me as a baby, so did I... We took you to our beach, Point Lookout, and you loved everything about it… The sand, the water, the seagulls, everything… We are both total beach bums so it was inevitable that you would be too…
Mimi came to visit again in September… We planned her trip around your cousin Sarah’s big, fancy sweet sixteen party… We were excited to go and who better to babysit than the Meem’s? We picked her up at the airport and had a nice quiet night… We had dinner, watched TV, relaxed… There was a huge storm that night and when we woke up the next morning we had no power… A few days passed and we finally got word from the power company that we were scheduled to get turned back on in around 7 days... AROUND 7 DAYS?? That means it could possibly be longer than 7 days… I’m sure this was not how Mimi expected to spend her vacation… It certainly wasn’t how we planned to spend ours… We had to boil water to give you a bath by candlelight in the kitchen… All our food was packed into Dad’s huge fishing cooler and covered with ice… It was hot and we had no air conditioning… I was potsy, to put it nicely… I felt so bad that poor Mimi had to deal with this situation and with my bad attitude… We borrowed a generator from a good friend and for 12 hours we had one lamp and the TV… It was great but very short lived… The stupid generator stopped working, UGH!!! We were back to camping out in the living room… As luck would have it we were able to find another person to lend us a generator… Once again all was right with the world... You don’t realize how much you enjoy having lights and a TV until they are gone… Within a few hours the second generator died on us… I guess it just wasn’t meant to be… So we camped… Finally on the 7th day a LIPA truck drove down our street and our brave neighbor jumped out in front of it to make him stop… We begged them, offered them money and food and they finally fixed our power… HOORAY!!!! It took them all of 10 minutes… The next day Mimi went home… Total bummer…
At the beginning of October we visited Florida again… This time Dad came too... It was his first time coming with me to Mimi and Papa’s house and I was excited beyond compare! This time the plane rides were a little more, shall we say interesting? You only slept for about 45 minutes and wanted to kick the seat in front of us the whole time… You were good, just very active and busy and I was trying my hardest to keep from annoying the other passengers around us… What a relief when we finally landed… We only had 4 days in Florida and we wanted to do everything but it flew by so quickly… You met Uncle Bobby for the first time and you seemed drawn to him… He hasn’t been around kids very much so he wasn’t quite sure how to receive all the flirtatious attention he was getting from you… We went to Homosassa State Park where there is a small zoo and an underwater spot to watch the fish swim by… We saw the biggest, fattest hippo on the Earth and took pictures of us next to it… Dad took a bunch of other great photos of the animals… Mimi and Papa hosted a wonderful Birthday party for you too… Complete with an individual size, pink Birthday cake that was all for you to dig into… All the relatives came! It was a great time, with great company and you got some great gifts… We are very blessed to have the family that we do… We took golf cart rides, stuck our feet in the pool and hung out by the fire pit… It was a fun, relaxing trip but it was way too short… I hate saying goodbye when we leave…
As soon as we got home it was time to celebrate your actual Birthday… We decided that since we had a big party in Florida that we would keep it low key and have it be just the 3 of us… We went pumpkin picking out east on your Birthday… We had a wonderful time! The weather was gorgeous… You walked around the pumpkin patch, collecting random gourds, climbing on the John Deere Tractor in the playground and helping Dad push the wagon… We bought pumpkins, gourds, apple cider, and kettle corn… We took some of my favorite pictures of you on this day… Then we decided that we will make it a tradition and do this every year around your Birthday… That idea brings a smile to my face… I can’t wait until next year! Then home we went to sing Happy Birthday to our best girl… You dug right into your cake and then opened your presents… I read you your first Birthday card from Mom and Dad and you listened so intently, like you were hanging on my every word… We have a picture of that priceless moment too…
Next thing coming up was Thanksgiving… We were excited because this year you could eat dinner with us… And Dad cooks a mean turkey bird! The week before Thanksgiving you got so sick… I’m talking 104 plus fevers for 4 days straight… It was terrifying and we felt so helpless, not to mention it was your first time being sick… The Dr. said it was a virus and that we had to ride it out with the help of some Tylenol… I slept in the spare bed with you every night… This way I could just reach over and feel your temperature without having to wake you up… You were such a sweet little sick girl… Never complained or whined once… When the fever would spike you would get lethargic and clingy is all… I have never seen a little person drink as much juice and water as you did in those few days… Before long you were feeling better and things started to return to normal… During this illness is when you started taking your naps on the couch instead of in your crib… That was perfectly fine with us… Your naps got longer too… I think that was because you would wake up after an hour, see one of us sitting there with you, then roll over and go back to sleep… You just wanted to know we were close by… When Thanksgiving Day came you were better, for the most part, but your appetite hadn’t yet returned… You had some mashed potatoes with gravy but not much else…
Christmas was coming around again and the excitement mounted as we could hardly wait for you to see Nana and Pop again… It’s very hard for them to come to New York much, as Pop works and the drive is rough… The one annual trip that we can count on is Christmas… They came to our house for Christmas Eve dinner for the first time… Something that Dad and I plan to make a yearly tradition… And boy oh boy were they armed with an arsenal of presents for you! One present in particular was something Nana could not wait to give you… We call it a gra-gra, because that’s what your Dad called his as a little boy… It’s basically a small scooter type thing that you sit on and push with your legs… They got us an extra special one that grows with you, and can be transformed into a scooter that you stand on… You loved everything and we had a really special time with them… Christmas Day we went to Uncle Bill and Aunt Sue’s house like we always do… You got to spend time with your cousins and we had a great time…
And that brings us right up to today… You love to dance and you are mesmerized by music of all kinds…Your security blanket is an old purple pajama shirt of mine that we cut in half… You love it so much and like to wear it on your head… Sometimes you cover your face with it completely and walk through the house feeling your way around… We like to call that game “blind baby” and it’s hysterical… You have a stars and stripes Pillow Pet from Mimi that you adore... We call it “the big red dog” and if we mention it you run to get it, throw it on the floor and lay your head down on it… You just recently started pointing at things and trying to say what they are… While most little kids say “No” to almost everything, your answer is always “Yes”, no matter what the question is… It’s awesome and we love it… As I mentioned before you did everything earlier than expected, like talking… You said Dada and Momma at 6 months old… You have a nice little list of words under your belt but the thing is, once you say them a handful of times, you stop saying them altogether… We try and try to get you to say them again but you just aren’t having it… Such a quirky and stubborn little thing you are…
Dada
Momma
Mimi
Nana
Purple
Juice
Pop
Jump
Up
Ca (Carly)
Tra (train)
Quack quack (my favorite!! You do this if you see a duck or we ask you what a duck says... It's great!)
Moo
Baa
Ish (fish)
You speak a lot of baby gibberish that we will never get tired of… You get something in your mind that you need to lecture about and there’s no turning back… Your brow gets furrowed (Because obviously whatever it is your saying is important to you), you use your hands to emphasize your main points… And you can carry on for up to 20 minutes… Oh how I wish I knew what was going on in that little brain of yours… I’m sure it would blow my mind!
You have grown and changed so much in the first 15 months of your life… So much that your Dad and I can hardly believe our eyes… You are more beautiful, intelligent, and strong than we ever could have imagined… Dad and I spend most of our alone time now talking about you and the unequivocal amazement your life has brought to us… You have helped us understand what love truly means… You have made us value our own relationship more so than ever before… Your mere existence in this world has caused us to cherish our own lives and health and happiness all the more… Sometimes I feel as though you have saved our lives… To this day it astonishes me that one little life has changed so much in us… I believe that Dad and I were meant to be parents… Meant to be YOUR parents… I truly believe in Karma… Somewhere, somehow, at some point, we must have done something right in the universe… A gift like you doesn’t come along all that often… I am so proud, grateful and blessed to call you my daughter…
Thank you Brianna Ryan Dittrich… For being who you are…
“Nicknames stick to people, and the most ridiculous are the most adhesive.“ ~Thomas Haliburton~
Monchichi
Pumpkin Puss
Bree
Munkin
Nunkin
Breezy Rain
Gail
Nanin
Missy B
Bissy
Doe
Bissy-Doe
Socks Dittrich
Brianna Banana
Mrs.
Loonis
Creature
Little Animal
Goon
Just to name a few… I’m sure the list will grow as time passes…
